ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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