My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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