living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
