you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
