I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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