i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
