just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
