Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
