you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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