apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
