When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
