This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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