Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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