Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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