So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
