I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
