so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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