Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
