she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
