You're so nebulous sometimes
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
