my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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