Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
