You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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