I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
