I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
