my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
