I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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