So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
