O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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