You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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