Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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