Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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