I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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