I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
