i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
