thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
