moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
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