we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
