I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and you said cock pushups were impossible
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
