Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
