she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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