it was like his penis was on wheels.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
