I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize