Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
