I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
