I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
