I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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