trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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