I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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