I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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