Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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