Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
