I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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