i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
