he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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