Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize