I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
