It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
