Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
false alarm, still single
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
