i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize